I am 20 years old and in my last year and a half of my Bachelor’s degree. I have been in a relationship for a year and 2+ months, with 6+ months of it being long distance. My boyfriend lives around 7 hours away from me, and we try and see each other every 1-2 months. We both have a lot of concerns about the future, I have to go to graduate school for the career I want which may put me even further away. There is also a chance that if I get the scholarship I want, I will have to move anywhere in the country that the scholarship chooses to work for 3-4 years after graduate school. My boyfriend has his own career goals and really wants to travel and work with developing countries. I personally have been thinking about the future a lot and am honestly terrified, and know he has his fears too.
With that intro, the real reason I am here is because I have committed infidelity. Twice. The first time (about 7 months ago), my boyfriend chose to stay with me and work it out. However this second time he ended things (understandably). Neither time did I come clean to him; the first time he found out before I could tell him and the second time I did not plan on telling him because I was selfish and didn’t want things to end but he found out anyway. I never thought I would be one to cheat, especially not multiple times. I still really love my boyfriend and believe that he is my life partner but I am conflicted because a big part of me feels like he deserves so much better and that it would be better for me to just bow out. I realize that no matter how much I want it to work, whether we stay together is really up to him at this point. He is incredibly angry and hurt right now so I am trying to give him space. I would like to use that time to get to the bottom of why I cheated, and what I can do to better myself and get away from this toxic person I have become. I hope that you can help me some with this.