For Men: Warning: “Forgetting” Valentine’s Day No Such Thing

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There is no such thing as “forgetting” Valentine’s Day. Forgetting this romantic holiday, that’s not a coincidence. It is rather a symptom of “getting back” at your partner or a fear of getting close. This ‘forgetting” appears mean-spirited, giving a clear message, and has such long-lasting consequences that can even lead to divorce and adultery down the road!! In fact, Ashley Madison, the cheating married website, reports that the day after Valentine’s Day is the biggest cheating day for disappointed women!

I say It does not have to be that way, “forgetting” Valentine’s Day is a grudge, a vengeful way of getting back at your partner for unresolved relationship debris.

Some excuses women should never accept are: it’s only a retail holiday, it’s too commercial, every day is Valentine’s Day, restaurants are crowded and too expensive, or florists rip you off. These excuses cause disappointing feelings and are real “romance wreckers.” They set the stage for distance, detachment, and possibly divorce.

I teach my patients Smart Heart skills, as emphasized in Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, to help identify a grudge and prevent a buildup of resentments. Learning how to “fight fair” can increase passion by clearing the air. These “skills” especially help men learn to communicate by appointment instead of walking out of the room during discussions. “Fair fighting” teaches empathy and affection and this increases passion when the offending partner has a time limit for fighting and has permission do so, in short intervals. Examples, performed by real, live couples, can be found in Make Up, Don’t Break Up’s accompanying video, “How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples.” Men need many “time outs.” They are allergic to women’s emotionality. With “fair fighting,” men can air their resentments instead of storing them and the conflict works as an aphrodisiac for eventual passion. The power is in getting heard, not getting mad. Letting go of grudges is not about being right or fair, it’s about what works.

Learn more about grudges in Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples pages 308 & 309.

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

Published in Relationship
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