Humans are sexual beings. Our sexual nature is the cornerstone of who we are. Some like sex more than others. Some people have stronger sex drives than their partners. Often the issue with a couple is that women need to have intimacy to have sex and men need sex to be intimate with their partner.
There are some people that just aren’t interested in sex at all. Perhaps they had trauma when they were children. Others experience pain or vaginal dryness after a hysterectomy or menopause. Some have a very low sex drive or libido which can be remedied through a diet change, exercise like The 5 Tibetan Rites or taking a supplement. When a couple isn’t in synch sexually, problems can arise.
When one person pushes for sex and becomes angry or resentful with their partner because they aren’t getting it often enough a power play often ensues. For some women, there isn’t enough touch without sex. If the only time women are touched is when their partners want sex, it could be a huge turn-off for them. An effort has to be made to display affection at other times than when men want sex.
Not wanting sex might have nothing to do with sex but more to do with what is happening in your relationship. If you have been critical, abusive, unloving or emotionally unavailable, perhaps these reasons are keeping sex at bay. Communication is an important part of a healthy, loving relationship. If you aren’t communicating verbally, you won’t be communicating sexually either.
When The Idea Of Sex Doesn’t Turn You On
I have had many men complain in sessions about how long it takes for a woman to become turned on. Typically, women aren’t the quick-starters than men are. Though some women are hot as soon as their man looks at them a certain way, this isn’t true for most women. Women need slow kissing, gentle touch, cuddling, massage, and patience before they are aroused enough for sex.
The rule of thumb (forgive the pun) is twenty to forty minutes of foreplay before most women are warmed enough for penetrative (penis in the vagina) sex.
I’ve been in a marriage where the only time my husband ever touched me was for sex. He would get a certain look in his eyes and go for it. I wasn’t hugged, caressed or held at any other time than when he wanted sex. Though I like sex a lot, I became an object of his desire, rather than his loving partner and wife. It isn’t a pleasant feeling to know that you could be a hole in a wall, just a thing that satisfied an urge or itch. Women don’t feel loved and desired for who they are when they recognize they are an object.
Not all men treat their women in this way. Though I have heard about women being awakened from a sound sleep with a penis being shoved into their dry vagina. Respect isn’t in place when sex happens without agreement. A request for sex doesn’t have to be verbal. A kiss can easily be enough for both people to become passionately enthralled and turned on. Mutual pleasure is what is needed.
Sex Needs To Be A Two-Way Street
Pleasure is a part of a mutually fulfilling relationship. Both parties need to be turned on, enjoy the experience and have pleasure. Not every sexual encounter will end in orgasm for both parties and that is okay some of the time. If one person rarely or never has orgasms, it is a problem and will lead to resentment. I used to be the one without orgasms. Sex became drudgery for me, which is why I wrote Orgasm For Life. I knew if I had an issue the 40% out there that was also not having orgasms would benefit from my personal experience and how I overcame the issue later in life. I loved sex, but couldn’t orgasm because of past sexual trauma.
If a woman isn’t having an orgasm through manual stimulation either before or after her partner, she may become fed up and begin denying her partner sex. If your partner isn’t having regular orgasms envision what you would feel like to rarely or never orgasm when you have sex, would you want it? Read Orgasm For Life for gentle, loving and humor to overcome sexual issues.
It is a complete turn-off for a woman to not be touched, hugged and held just for being who she is, rather than an object that men satisfy their urges with.
Those That Hate Sex At Anytime
Humans are sexual beings. For those who truly hate sex and never ever want it, the foundation of this issue could be a past life where we were a celibate priest, nun or clergy. Vows of celibacy from past lives certainly can impede the ability to let go and be free of guilt from religious programming about sex being vile, wrong or improper. Past lives and vows can be cleared to alleviate these programs, which I have done for many men and women.
Self-hatred from past sexual trauma, molestation, abuse certainly impacts our ability to feel free about receiving sexual pleasure. When we are filled with self-loathing sex can be off-limits. Self-love means loving all parts of ourselves including your penis, vagina, breasts, and anus.
When Should We Talk About Sex?
Some people can talk about sex while having it. I prefer to have a conversation outside of the bedroom. Usually, a conversation outside the bedroom leaves a couple so turned on that mutual pleasure ensues! YAY! Pleasure for both parties is what good sex is all about.
Jennifer is a judgment-free coach, hypnotherapist, and healer. She works with couples, singles to heal relationships and sex lives in a loving, compassionate environment. Send Jennifer a private e-mail to find out if you are a good fit for her work.Published in